it's so strange.

for years, i was filled with yearning and loneliness. like my heart would collapse at any moment, from the sheer unending void that was consuming me. i longed for the simplest things, ached for the barest touch. jealousy of other people's normal lives was all i felt on some days.

but over time,

i grew accustomed to it?

i grew accustomed to staying at home, because going out was overwhelming, a sensory barrage that was out of control, something that left me exhausted and spent for days after.

that deep sense of loneliness faded, gradually, most likely because i was reunited with my companion after years of waiting. but otherwise, very little has changed. i am still home, every single day. i do not see others very often at all. no ordinary job, no social life, i am just home.

is it just better coping skills?

or am i just complacent?

and now,

it's so strange.

now everyone else is in this situation. miserable, anxious, alone, everything slipping away from their control.

...but that has been my baseline, for the majority of my life, and it was something i stopped noticing,

until now, anyway.