musings about identity and sexuality
disclaimer: i'm only writing about my own feelings and experiences. other people are bound to feel differently. i think people reading this on my own site are more likely to have reading comprehension than on say, twitter, so this disclaimer is probably redundant, but whatever. just in case.
as i've gotten older, i've learned to let go of needing a "perfect" label to attach myself to. i spent many years obsessively searching for labels, because i craved a sense of community and belonging - i have always felt a strong disconnect from people, and wanting to "belong" has been one of my deepest desires for as long as i can remember
except, i would inevitably find myself feeling distant and othered. maybe it was because i was seeking something to "belong" to in a shallow way. the real root of my issue was that i yearned for a community and friends who would support me, not because i was a "Fellow Insert-A-Label-Here", but because they accepted me, as a person
there were common problems i ran into - constant jokes about how "haha, just [label] things! we all feel this one am i right folks?", people feeling the need to pick fights with other groups (such as the ol' Lesbians VS Bisexuals throwdown that does not need to happen), and defining rules about who can identify which way, etc - and it wore me down. hard.
and people would place the blame my burnout purely on my own shoulders - "simply ignore all of the inescapable horrible discourse that your circles keep regurgitating!" - and i won't lie! i have a problem with destroying myself to please other people, in a desperate attempt to fit in! but c'mon, there's clearly a deeper issue here.
i've theorized that a lot of us - us meaning LGBT/queer people - are taking our frustrations about living in a world that is harsh and unforgiving to us, out on our own community. it sucks and i hate it.
ever since i was 12 or so (over half my life now) i knew i was queer. and i have spent so much energy trying to find the perfect, magic word that i could belong to, that i could proudly stand with. i have tried on a wide assortment of labels and found many of them ill-fitting over time.
some people interpret this as a challenge. "let me help you find the perfect one! i'm sure it's out there!"
... but honestly, maybe i don't even want a precise one word description of how i experience sexuality and attraction. it's complicated for me, and i consider some of the details to be information i'd rather keep private.
the inherent vagueness of "queer" is comforting to me. i'm queer and i shan't elaborate. and i personally choose to interpret "nonbinary" as something i can define for myself - i am neither a man nor a woman, but another gender that i have tailored to my own wants and needs. i am free to make adjustments to it whenever i want. the rules are in my hands now
the gate can take you back to the previous page.