I won't lie.

Sometimes I miss her a bit.

I mean, Rosie and I are still close friends! We've been close for years. Over a decade at this point, really. And I know we dated years ago, when we were both fumbling 18 year olds who were trying to figure ourselves out, and I know that it wasn't really the best matchup. We're better friends than lovers. I've accepted that, even if it maybe took me too long to.

Because if I'm being honest- we mostly hooked up for a while because we were both touch starved and confused sapphics. How do you tell the difference between platonic love, romantic love, and just being pent up horny disasters? And how do you tell all of that apart from the feeling of having your best friend validating both your gender and your sexuality at the same time, because oh my god, she cared about me and thought I was pretty and saw me as a girl when other people weren't and-

Uh, yeah, that's a fucking mess to untangle, isn't it.

It was a learning experience, for sure. No one did anything wrong, really, because I think it was something we both needed to figure out for ourselves. There was no dramatic fallout that led us to break up, it was just...

"I-I... I feel like I'm holding you back. And that scares me, because I love and care about you so, so deeply, Iris. But I don't want you to feel unfulfilled, either. I worry about that a lot. You've talked a lot before about wanting to give polyamorous stuff a try, and I know I've been hesitant."

"Mm..."

"And really! I totally see why you'd find the appeal... you could have different needs met by different partners, and you've said before that the idea of being in a close triad is really appealing to you. B-but I have to admit... the idea is really overwhelming to me." Rosemary took a breath, struggling to get her words out. She started shaking, and I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I-It just made me think more... am I holding you back from feeling fulfilled? Like, from living your life the way you want to? I-I keep thinking about how overwhelmed I get from being out and about, the amount of times we've had to go home early after hanging out with people, or when I had a shutdown at Pride last year-"

I reached my arm around her, in hopes that it would calm her a bit. "Rosie, sweetie. Shh, c'mere. I've never held any of that against you. It's okay."

"...But you'd like to be able to do more things with me, don't you?"

I fell silent for a moment. It was hard to deny that, as much as I wanted to reassure her otherwise. "...Yeah, but only if you'd be comfortable with it, y'know? The last thing I want to do is force you into something if you're not ready."

"W-What if there's a chance that I might always be like this? You've inspired me to push my comfort zone more, to try new things... We've grown so much together over the years, learning together... But I've learned some of my limits, too." Her trembling intensified, tears streamed down her face, yet she kept pressing onward with her honesty. In a weird way, I was proud that she was able to admit all of this to me. Even if it hurt like hell to hear.

"I- Rosie, dear... There's so much I'd do for you, hon. You know that, right? I-it's okay." That's what I wanted to keep telling myself, anyway.

"I-I don't want our relationship to be one-way like that, though. I don't want it to feel like you're always accommodating for me, and not getting enough in return..."

"But you really have done so much for me! You've been such a supportive pillar in my life, Rosie. I dunno where I'd be without you. Closeted and sad, probably? And I don't think you realize just how much I look up to you. You're kind, thoughtful, smart, gorgeous... c'mon, don't sell yourself short."

Rosemary reached up to wipe the tears off her face. "Even if all of that is true... I can't stop wondering how much I must be holding you back. I love you, I want to support you, I want to see you grow..." Her voice cracked, like she was about to shatter into a thousand pieces. "I-I don't want to be in the way of your happiness, Iris. And I'm worried that I am."

Well, I mean.

She was right, even if admitting that was like a knife to my heart. Because as much as I love her, there were things that just weren't really... compatible, between the two of us. I mean, fuck, I still feel bad about dragging her to Pride that one year. What was I thinking? I knew she didn't do well in crowds. But at the same time, stuff like that is important to me. I want to adventure, meet new people, see new places, be out and proud with some lovely gals by my side. And Rosie's a real homebody at heart, even when she's pushed her comfort zone a little further, grown more, got better with coping, and all that. Adrian's a perfect fit for her, really.

But like...

There's still a part of me that really wished things worked out. She's one of my closest friends, and I respect her boundaries, just as she respects what I want and need. And even then, there's a part of me that misses the feeling of holding her in my arms, hearing her shyly laugh as I-

...

I've moved on.

That's what I want to keep telling myself, anyway.